January 10, 2026

Last weekend in the US: Chicago, Illinois

I am in downtown Chicago at the Holiday Inn near Union Station. I got here by bus from Dayton, Ohio yesterday around 5 PM. It’s my last weekend in America. I’ve just left Doob and the dogs, Hans & Tilly. Before that, I saw Marg, Bonnie &Ted in Minnesota.Also: Patio Pattie, Black Shannon, Jen & Sam Steinberg, Brad Ely & Liz, and Amy A.

I’ve been in the United States since November 16th. Scottsdale with Ross and Kate. Bisbee with Phil and Em. Morongo Valley and Desert Hot Springs with Rose. We had Em’s 40th birthday party at my dogsit house in Chandler on December 27th.

My youngest child is 40. When I was 50, my oldest child was 30..When my granddaughter is 60, I will be 100. How strange will that feel?

I got to see most of my beloveds this year. At lunch with Jane and Doob, I remarked that it feels like it’s taking a long time to “unravel” my life from my life with Harry. Jane is also a widow and learning how to live a life alone. We are different though. There is no polite way to say that I was happier to be a widow than Jane. I can explain it. My husband was older and it was my expectation from the day I married that I would be alone now. Jane was on her second marriage but the first with her true partner. She was not ready to let him go. Maybe, she would never have been even if they had a hundred years together.

Jane shared a poem that she wrote. I will ask her if I can share in full here. Paraphrased by me, her beloved is tangled in her sheets but not in her bed.

Again, my inner self offers this concept of being entwined. In the healthiest sense in a relationship, that suggests close connection. In a less healthy context, it can mean enmeshment. It can lead to Catholic martyrdom behavioral traits in me. I can become hurt or angry by others’ lack of appreciation for things that I do that they didn’t ask me to do. I hope you understand my definition now.

So, for the third time in two years, I am flying across the Atlantic. I have reset my tourist visa clock to be able to hang out 90 days UK/90 days EU and not come back until I want to do so. I am expatriating in a way that will be internal most of all.

Like a small child that has discovered that there is no Santa Claus, I am shaken. Having spent a lifetime loving my country and trying to be a good citizen, I choose to watch what unfolds from far away now. I will add the love and energy that I spent on my country to that which I would have given others, whether they want it or not.

My truth is that I have used the needs of others as a diversion to introspection and self discovery. No more.